Recently, I was showing my town of choice (Copenhagen) to a visitor from India in November. I showed her through the streets. She was pleasant and witty, so we had a good time and were talking about many things. At one point she told me that she considers to get married within the next 12 months. We haven't had discussed her relationship background yet, but she stood for several months in Copenhagen so I didn't expect her to be close to someone. "Oh, I didn't know you have a boyfriend" - "I don't". She saw me puzzled. Wanting to marry is one thing, but you normally have a longer schedule than 12 months if you haven't even found Mr./Mrs. Right before you consider getting married. She acknowledged my reaction and quickly explained. She wouldn't believe in everlasting love. Instead, she would believe in a more traditional Indian approach. If she lets her parents know that she would like to get married then her parents would find somebody for her. From that step onwards the process would proceed quickly. We were laughing a bit on the awkwardness of the selection process "can she knitt?" and the first meeting in such a situation. But she meant it. Interesting.
Growing up in an environment where everybody chooses his/her own partner and decides to stay together for the rest of their life this was a very odd concept coming from somebody well educated (so I assume that she thought about it) and in the second half of her twenties. Obviously, I don't know whether the "love" path already created deep wounds in her life but I am aware that there are other paths in life. I heard before that people that get married by their parents are often building a very strong relationship because they perceive that the other tries to "make it work" - and love each other for that. So, there are other ways to happiness. Even ways that are very alien to my environment. But the western culture has changed rapidly. Even my grandfather had something close to an arranged marriage - less then 100 years ago.
It makes me think. Western-oriented people get married with somebody who they choose on their own. Someone, who seem to fit - at least at that particular time. And increasingly, this doesn't seem to work out in the long run. Couples "grow" apart. Do people forget that they have to work on a relationship? Is it a bad start if you fit well together, so you don't train to work on a relationship from the beginning on? Is it better when you start with the knowledge that you have to make it work? That you have to work together to truly benefit from a relationship? It reminds me of a German proverb that I always heard in the context of long nights of playing cards: "to win at the beginning is a worthless win". Maybe German card players are more knowledgable than expected. Does an early win make you less careful in the long run? Is a rocky start the better alternative because you are far more attentive?
There are no simple answers.
